Originally written April 18, 2006

The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission is encouraging alcoholism.

No, I don’t think it’s in their mission statement, and I doubt they train officers to be so good at it. The TABC wants you to drink alone.

Cracking down on public intoxication in order to cut down on the number of driving while intoxicated offenses, the TABC has been monitoring patrons and bar owners with undercover officers. When Frank the Tank starts getting rowdy, the TABC officers conduct a sobriety test that will either land Frankie charges and a night in jail or prove once and for all that sucking on a penny works.

The problem with this system is how the officers determine who to test and when someone has actually become intoxicated enough to warrant charges. The law only defines a person as intoxicated when the individual is a danger to either himself or to others. Obviously, this leaves some room for interpretation. In some cases, the TABC has been accused of being too strict and cracking down unnecessarily.

What option does a law-abiding citizen have anymore to delve into the sauce?

Bars are out. Since most families would look down upon drunkards frequenting the local restaurants, we are left with house parties. Of course, since we can’t drive home intoxicated, by house parties, I am referring to alcoholic sleepovers.

Barring these slumber parties, unless your friends all live within walking distance, drinking at home usually means drinking alone. Through this rough syllogism then, the TABC is forcing us all to drink at home alone when we want to indulge. I don’t know if this sets off any bells and whistles for anyone else, but drinking alone is a fireworks show of a sign that alcohol is doing you dirty.

There are better ways to protect people on the road than random screenings at bars. The TABC tests people that already have designated drivers or those patrons that are planning to call a taxi all the same. Texas will become the only state that doesn’t allow people to drink in bars. If a guy wakes up from his stupor on the bar and tries to walk out to his car, I understand the TABC intervening to test him, but there is no reason to pull people out of the actual establishment and ruin their night. The person questioned by the TABC could have a perfectly responsible arrangement made for the night before drinking.

For now, TABC has ceased undercover operations until pressure from legislature and public sources has been settled. In the meantime, we can all enjoy the bars. If they do get the go ahead to continue in the future, I guess we should all look into 12-step programs unless MySpace starts serving alcohol.

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